When I was pregnant with my 2nd baby, I was terrified of my 12 week scan. This was my 3rd pregnancy and my rainbow baby. Six months previously, I had experienced a miscarriage. I won’t go into the details about my miscarriage here, because I know it can be triggering for some people. However, if you would like to know about my miscarriage experience, please let me know in the comments and I can certainly write a blog about it, if you think it would be helpful.
Positive Pregnancy Test
From the moment I saw the two little lines on the positive pregnancy test, I was over the moon. I suspected, prayed, and hoped that I was pregnant. I was only 2 days late for my period, but I knew that if I wasn’t pregnant, I would be having signs that my period was about to come. I’ve always been very in tune with my body, so I was hoping that it wasn’t going to let me down now. To my delight, I got that positive pregnancy test! I was right and I knew that I did know my own body. Since experiencing the miscarriage, I had felt empty and I just wanted to be pregnant again. Not to replace the baby that we had lost, but to remove the pain and feeling of emptiness.
When the pregnancy test showed a positive test result, the oxytocin shot through the roof. I was smiling from ear to ear, I couldn’t stop hugging my daughter, who was 2.5 at the time. She was going to be a big sister and James and I were going to be parents of two! I wanted to shout it from the roof tops. I’M PREGNANT!!! And then it hit me, all those negative feelings started to flood in. Fear, anxiety, pain, loss. What if I experience another miscarriage? What if it happens again? I can’t go through another loss. I know that many women do and my heart breaks for them. How they keep going, I do not know. The pain that I experienced from losing one baby, was unbearable. It was like mental torture. How so many women go through multiple losses and stay strong and keep going, I do not know. They are incredible!
First described as a threatened miscarriage
Every time I needed the toilet, I was terrified. I’d hold off for as long as I could and when I eventually gave in, I braised myself for what I might find. This anxiety came from my 2nd pregnancy when I first discovered that something wasn’t right and that I might be miscarrying. My miscarriage was a very emotional, drawn-out experience. My GP said she thought that I was just experiencing a threatened miscarriage. I had an early pregnancy scan, which revealed no obvious bleeding around the foetus and again I was told it is most likely a threatened miscarriage or implantation bleeding. I spent two very long weeks just not knowing what was going to happen. Two very long weeks of wanting to cry every time I went to the toilet. The torture came to an end when the bleeding increased and a scan the following day confirmed that I was experiencing a loss.
Third positive pregnancy test - High Anxiety
The feelings that followed were a rollercoaster of emotions and all I wanted was to have my baby back and to be pregnant again. So, when I eventually got that positive pregnancy test six months later, I was absolutely thrilled, but terrified. To help my anxiety, I booked a private ultrasound scan when I was 8 weeks pregnant. I was so scared before the scan, but I hadn’t experienced any signs of possible miscarriage this time around, but I just wanted to know that everything looked ok. I almost didn’t want to get my hopes up, if things might go wrong again. That scan really helped to reassure me that this pregnancy was currently going well and looked normal so far. Although I knew I wasn’t out of the woods yet and the risks were still high, it really helped me to know that everything looked as it should at this stage. When I then went for my dating scan at the hospital, when I was 12 weeks, I was still very nervous, but just knowing that I’d seen my baby not so long ago and he was doing fine, really helped. Everything was fine at the scan, and I was so thankful that this baby was healthy, and I didn’t have any pregnancy complications. However, I was much more anxious throughout this pregnancy, compared to my first pregnancy. Mainly because of my previous loss, but also because when I had my 12-week scan, I consented to the screening tests to be done. When I received my screening results for Downs Syndrome, the result was classed as low risk, no further action. However, I felt that the result was just to say in the low risk category and it sent me into panic mode. My score was much lower than the score I’d received with my daughter 3 years previously. I was thinking that although my age has increased by 3 years, which does affect the score, if everything is fine with the baby, why is my score so much lower this time. My midwife was not concerned, the hospital was not concerned and I didn’t need to be sent for any further tests. However, there was a little voice in my head saying something might not be right. Again, this all stems back to my previous loss and me thinking that something was going to go wrong. I spent my entire pregnancy worrying that my baby might be born with Down Syndrome or be poorly at birth. As soon as he was born, the first thing that I remember asking the midwife was, is he ok? Of course, he was and I had created unnecessary worry for 9 months.
What I should have done in Pregnancy
If I could go back to when I was pregnant with my little boy, I would tell myself to only worry about the facts. There was no evidence to suggest that I was going to miscarry again or that my baby was going to be born with complications. It was a fear that I had created. I would also tell myself to book onto a hypnobirthing course. A hypnobirthing course would have given me the tools to manage my anxiety better. Tools that I could have used to get me through that first trimester and when going for scans. The relaxation techniques would have worked on my subconscious mind, removed that fear that was sitting there and allowed me to enjoy my pregnancy without fear.
Have You Received A Positive Pregnancy Test and Feeling Anxious?
So, if you are reading this and you are experiencing the same as I did or you are just feeling anxious during your pregnancy and you don’t know why, remember that it is really common and there are things that you can do to help. You don’t need to spend the next 9 months being petrified of the toilet, (like I did) or being scared about every appointment or scan. Look into doing a hypnobirthing course. Hypnobirthing courses are incredible at removing that fear, helping you to enjoy your pregnancy and birth and allow you to take back that control. Plus, if your pregnancy is considered high risk and there are known concerns about you or your baby, hypnobirthing can really help you to manage those concerns and help you to manage those intense situations. Hypnobirthing is for ALL births too, so it really doesn't matter what kind of birth you are planning or have.
This is why I am a hypnobirthing teacher. I don’t just want all women to experience amazing positive births, but I want them to enjoy their pregnancies and not spend nearly a year worrying about the known or unknown and feeling scared.
If this sounds like you and you are pregnant and feeling anxious in your pregnancy or about your birth and you’d like to know more about my hypnobirthing courses, visit my website or drop me an email. We can have a chat about what I can offer you and how I can help you to approach your birth with a more positive mindset and how to have a positive pregnancy.
Julia x